It's a Big Dumb World: A 25th Anniversary Collection

by Bean Hoy

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1.
Over this road there’s a tiny ridge Get out the tools we need to build a bridge Road construction! Early in the morning before others go to work That’s the best time to put asphalt over dirt Road construction! Flyin’ down the interstate at 65 In the corner of your eye you see a sign It says “Road construction, next 100 miles” Road construction, there go your smiles Yeah, things were pretty cool, you were makin’ time Now you’ll be stuck in South Dakota ’til the end of time Because of road construction Caution! Warning! Men at work! Killin’ trees and movin’ earth! Caution! Warning! Here they come! They got big machines so they can do their Road construction We got four seasons here in the Midwest There’s winter, there’s spring, there’s fall And there is road construction Jack hammers! Road construction! Words and music copyright ©1992 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
2.
03:39
Got up this morning and I tried to start my car All it did was spit and sputter, it wouldn’t go very far Man at the gas station said it was the battery Said he could fix me up for a small fee Winter! I love you so Winter! Can’t wait to go out the door Winter! Look at all that snow Winter! All right, it’s twenty below Got me a new pair of gloves but I lost ’em the very next day The frostbite on my hands soon should go away I love it when the days are gray and snow falls from above You would never catch me movin’ to Florida Cuz I love winter! You make my day Winter! It stays and stays and stays and stays Winter! Look at all that snow Winter! All right, it’s twenty below Went outside, slipped on the ice and broke my ankle Now I got some Tylenol with codeine for the pain Pretty soon it will be green and spring will bring the rain Then we’ll just be sittin’ around wishin’ it was winter again Winter! You’re so damn good Winter! Love you more than anybody should Winter! Look at all that snow Winter! All right, it’s twenty below Words and music copyright ©1986 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
3.
Duct tape is holdin’ up the bumper Muffler is draggin’ on the road Got cables in case we need to jump her And we constantly wonder: Will she go? Go go beater car Run run beater car Go go beater car go Go beater car go! Big honkin’ crack across the windshield Blowin’ clouds of blue smoke down the road Slowin’ down to twenty on a long hill And we’re just so thrilled when she goes Go go beater car Run run beater car Go go beater car go Go beater car go! That two-tone paint job is a stunner A perfect mix of rust, primer and chrome The ad called her a “good runner” And everyone wonders: How long can she go? Go go beater car Run run beater car Go go beater car go Go beater car go! Go go beater car I love my beater car! Go go beater car go Go go beater car go Go go beater car go Vroom vroom Go – vroom vroom Go – vroom vroom vroom! Words and music copyright ©2005 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
4.
05:33
Swarmin’ ’round your ankles in the quiet of the night These pesky little buggers carry quite a bite You’ll itch all day, you’ll itch all night Oh no, it’s another sandfly bite Oh! Sandfly! I used to think that our skeeters were bad But at least the little mozzies send a warning when they land These down under nasties never make a sound Then it’s munch, munch, munch! A bunch more biting down Oh! Sandfly! Scratchin’ and scratchin’, my skin is turnin’ red So full of venom I might as well be dead The locals say just apply some vinegar I say an AK-47 would be much handier Oh! Sandfly! Now we’re gone from the Land of the Long White Cloud But we’ve got souvenirs that’d make the Kiwis proud It’s not a wool jersey or a jar of Vegemite It’s a body full of welts from their sandfly bites Oh! Sandfly! Words and music copyright ©1994, 1997 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
5.
04:26
Well it’s 8:15, she’s on the 119 Waitin’ on the bus from the RTD She’s got an Eco Pass and a skinny little ass Waitin’ for her ride to take her to Groovy Town There’s a woman from Jersey, one from Michigan too There’s a couple from Kansas and a dude from Peru California, Texas, yeah, they’re all represented The natives, outnumbered, seem to resent it East coast, west coast, across the sea They come from all over to hang out in Groovy Town On the Pearl Street Mall it’s a movie-set day Beautiful people at the sidewalk cafes Drinkin’ cappuccino and microbrews Talkin’ on cell phones between bites of food Got her choice of Thai or Ethiopian food Mexican, Russian and Italian too Maybe a veggie dog from the sidewalk vendor She don’t care as long as he’s a big spender Jump in his SUV and cruisin’ down Canyon Drivin’ around, all around Groovy Town Now I’m a Midwestern boy, no I can’t pretend To be nothin’ else or keep up with the trends Don’t got no fancy old house up on Mapleton Hill No condo on Walnut that cost half a mil Ain’t got no American Express corporate card No fenced-in, manicured, fountain-filled yard Yeah I live out on the plains Where the rent is cheap But I still like to drive in and peek in at Groovy Town Can you dig the diversity? Every shade of white you would ever want to see Right here in Groovy Town Words and music copyright ©1999 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved.
6.
02:54
Perfect Colorado blonde in a Cabriolet Top down, pony tail, Broadway I’m driving this ’87 Aries’ She won’t even look my way But that can’t chase this buzz away Dad car, driving my dad car Dad car, got a date in my dad car Got a bashed-in fender and an oil leak Blue book value is mighty weak Chassis is rusty and the body’s beat I’m so cheap but she thinks it’s sweet She likes to see me drive up in my dad car Dad car, Dad car Now the stock market’s down but it don’t make me cry I don’t wanna be no rich guy You say wages are low and real estate’s high? I don’t care as long as she’ll ride In my dad car Dad car She loves my Dad car Words and music copyright ©1998 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved.
7.
04:09
Work smarter, work harder, we believe you can do more And while you’re at it, be a good boy Clean your desk and mop the floor And all those awful Dilbert cartoons hangin on your wall? Well, they’re sendin' the wrong message boy We invite you to tear ’em down I got a shitty job You got a shitty job We all got shitty jobs Well I dread Monday morning And the glare of the office lights Answering twenty emails from a boss Who stays up all night Dreamin’ up bogus things to do More shit work for me and you How’d he get to be in charge, man? He hasn’t got a clue I got a shitty job You got a shitty job We all got shitty jobs After many months of torture, yeah, many months of pain I finally figured out that I had no one else to blame So I marched up to the boss and with no animosity I spoke the words that set my spirit free I quit this shitty job I don’t need this shitty job So long to this shitty job! Words and music copyright ©1997 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved.
8.
Cross-dressin’ chimps on the TV show Crooks in the clink and on the old Dow Jones Spinnin’ nothin’ into gold It’s a big dumb world Crazy people on the radio Who gave them the microphone To masquerade their bull as gold? It’s a big dumb world Too many people on the telephone Got more stuff that can’t be sold Spinnin’ thin air into gold It’s a big dumb world I used to put up a fight Now I just smile Cuz I know it’s all right Scully and Fox and the cig-smokin’ dude I’m hooked by God, nothin’ I can do You say it’s crap, I say it’s gold It’s a big dumb world Billion-dollar babies On the football field CEOs with eight-figure deals Sometimes I wonder if anything’s real It’s a big dumb world Words and music copyright ©1998 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
9.
Girl and boy, both age two What’s the difference between the two? Is the thing already set Or is it to be learned yet? Girl and boy pullin’ doggy’s tail Poor little puppy starts to wail Girl says stop, he don’t like it Boy keeps pullin’ ’til he gets bit Boys can’t be trusted Man and boy, age 22 What’s the difference between the two? One don’t lie because he loves One don’t care but says he does Scientists have the cure To stop babies before they grow One for girls, one for boys Guess who gets to make the choice? Boys can’t be trusted Words and music copyright ©1993 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
10.
Sorry, forgot my tie-dyed T-shirt Outgrew it back in ’79 Pardon, don’t drive my VW microbus The tranny blew in ’85 ’Scuse me, sold all of my Dead records Did not replace ’em on CD Sorry, didn’t order cappuccino Plain old coffee’s good enough for me Sorry, I’m kind of out of touch lately Can’t tell you who’s on MTV Wouldn’t know Pavement from cement on the highway Don’t know Green Day from green tea Sorry, I was born in the ’50s I’m on the other side of thirty I ain’t marchin’ for no no-nuke causes Cuz it really don’t do a thing I don’t frequent no after-bar parties I don’t feel like getting high I don’t drive around in no Isuzu Trooper With subwoofers piled up to the sky I beg forgiveness, I know my face is clean-shaven But I just won’t grow no goatee Ain’t got no tattoos, ain’t got no tongue- or nose-ring It just all looks too painful to me Sorry, I said I’m sorry... Words and music ©1994 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
11.
05:21
When you smell the yeast goin’ up your nose You know La Crosse business is givin’ you the hose It’s great to drink but it’s terrible to smell It can only be the one and only Heileman’s! They make a lot of money Heileman’s! They’re neat for the town Heileman’s! A big success story But they smell really bad sometimes Saturday night you put it in one end Sunday mornin’ it comes out the other end And it leaves you stranded in bed And all day it rules your head Heileman’s! They make a lot of money Heileman’s! They’re neat for the town Heileman’s! A big success story But they smell really bad sometimes Russell Cleary was a big man in this town Workin’ from sunup until sundown Buyin’ up breweries and brewin’ up beer Then he sold out to some Australian And he got the hell out of Heileman’s! They make a lot of money Heileman’s! They’re neat for the town Heileman’s! A big success story But they smell really bad sometimes Let me introduce you to Power Master It’ll take you to Nirvana So much faster With just a little bit of PowerMaster Unless you’re a priest Or a media beast Or a cop on the beat Or some kids on the street It’s our great song and you can’t sing any of it La la la la la We originally wrote this tune back in 1984 When gettin’ ripped was lots of fun but it ain’t anymore Now we’re drinkin’ water, they sell it in a can Lemon, lime and raspberry I’ve got a sober band thanks to Heileman’s! They make a lot of money Heileman’s! They’re neat for the town Heileman’s! A big success story But they smell really bad sometimes Words and music ©1984, 1991 Mike Starling/Todd Haefer/Bob Mueller Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved
12.
Drum machine and a Casio In the basement studio Drum machine and a Casio It’s out of control We’re the last generation of rock & roll I don’t listen to the radio I’m gonna make a video So forget about the radio It didn’t die before it got old We’re the last generation of rock & roll I used to read the Rolling Stone Now it’s just turned into Vogue For the yuppies and the Deadhead clones Used to read the Rolling Stone It didn’t die before it got old We’re the last generation We’re the last generation We’re the last generation of rock & roll Words and music copyright ©1992 Mike Starling Published by Bean Hoy Music (BMI) Lyrics reprinted by permission All rights reserved

about

Guitar-slingin’ journalist Mike Starling started the Bean Hoy band as an outlet for his wry, topical tunes about subjects like road construction, cruddy jobs and the joys of beater cars and Wisconsin winters.

"It’s a Big Dumb World: A 25th Anniversary Collection" is jam-packed with 12 remastered versions of the band's most popular tunes. A joint production of Nine Volt Media and Momentous Records.

credits

released March 8, 2019

Songs by Mike Starling played with Casey Virock, Jim Vogt, Hans Mayer, David Purcell, Bob Mueller, Mark Lakmann, Jared Drake, Tom Plutshack, Jason Knox and more.

See individual songs for a complete list of musician credits, or head on down the information superhighway to beanhoy.weebly.com/25.html

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Bean Hoy

COOL MUSIC FOR A BIG DUMB WORLD: Bean Hoy's songs "are a laundry list of local and national maladies, often depicted with a dark sense of humor. As often as not, the music is as playful as the words. All in all, a reflection of inane pop culture, where one no longer condemns the plastic world around us but instead videotapes it for later when there's nothing else on." –LAX magazine ... more

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